Not dead. I'm going through some serious life changes, not all of them bad. Will update soon.

Still alive(ha.ha.)

Still alive(ha. ha.)
Hi, I'm still here. I realize how ominous it seems when I post an entry regarding an attempted suicide and then don't post an update. So here is a perfunctory update.

I really appreciate the comments, esp Dan Ward's. I like his e-persona, which is weird, considering I don't know anything about him at all. It's funny people are afraid to say what they want to me because they think I'll react to it badly, but I can recognize sage words when I see them.

One thing that I don't agree with though is the concept that age( or its corollary, time) will make things better in and of itself. The truth is, a lot of things don't get fucking better, it's simply that we have conditioned ourselves to accept the formerly unacceptable. Most people will merely choose to stop banging their heads on the wall instead of repeatedly injuring themselves, but me? I don't know how to stop. Or if I even have the capacity to stop.

My life consists of only vapid shit, I completely agree. Diet, Exercising, procreating just because it's one more thing to accomplish... it all means nothing, ultimately. That's what drove me to suicide when I began to see how circuitous it all was. That feeling that things might one day get better-- this feeling was the only thing that gave me hope, that allowed me to continue for just one more day. And then one night, it went away.

I wish I could trust anyone enough to talk to them honestly. But I have this continuous struggle inside my head, this sick game I play with people, in beating the system, in exploiting the weaknesses in structure, finding loopholes. How did I manage to walk out of the ER with a bullet lodged inside myself, bloody and bewildered? How the hell did I talk my way out of the psych ward? It shouldn't have happened. I should have let myself be helped.

But if there's one thing this ordeal has taught me, it is that killing yourself is fucking hard. It's not easy tampering with biology, this will to live. Even as I was preparing to witness heaven or hell, it took something supernaturally strong for me to pull that trigger. There was a brief window of time, probably about 10 seconds or so(but it felt like hours) where I wasn't sure if I was dead or alive. Like, I couldn't feel anything, but I had this vague sensation of dizziness and things becoming gradually out of my reach. I sort of began to panic, if death was this limbo of here and not-here, if death was this state of uncertainty. I was after a final ending, not some tenuous maybe/maybe not.

I feel so stupid even writing about this. It's not like I actually coded and was brought back to life or something. I was just stupid and didn't do it right. All I know is, death is not as easy a route as you would think.

Something

I tried to kill myself two days ago. I failed, obviously.

What's laughable is that I genuinely, sincerely tried this time. I didn't tell anyone about it, I certainly didn't blog about it, I didn't even hint to anyone so they could fortuitously come "save" me at the last minute.

This suicide shit is much, much harder than it looks or seems. I salute anyone who can do it successfully.

I don't really feel like going into the details(mostly because I hate being reminded that I failed even at this) but maybe I'll write about it in a few days...

I can't believe I managed to stay out of the psych ward at the ER. Those idiots were so stupid, they believed what happened to me was an accident. They should have strapped me into a straightjacket immediately upon first sight. Yay for another case of outsmarting the system, go me.

What finally made me do it was the despondency I felt on Friday. Just... this grave realization that my life was never going to get better, no matter how much I wanted it to. That I was never going to fall in love again, I was never going to have kids, start my career, have a real life. I was chasing after something that would never materialize.

I can't believe I'm just... out here, integrated amongst society when all I want to do is strap a bomb on my chest and detonate.

But at least I still have my freedom.

That's something, at least.