Perspectives

A newfound level of respect for fatties, from me, of all people. I don't think people of normal weight realize how hard it is to do even the most mundane of daily tasks-- leaning over to tie your shoes, for example. I have a huge belly that prevents me from doing normal things. I can no longer see my cooch, let alone bend over to pick shit up from the floor.

Am tremendously afflicted with Madame Bovary Syndrome. Instead of the French countryside, I live in Brookline. My doctor-husband is as sweet as can be, which makes things worse. Now that we have a baby coming, it's not about me anymore. Sometimes I lie in bed during the day, squinting at the sunglight, thinking, "Is this all there is?" Should I resign myself to having passionless sex forever, concentrating on being a good mother? After all, don't all married people stop having sex eventually anyway?

I realize that as a perpetual fuck up at life in general, there is a great chance that I will suck at this whole mothering thing. I will NOT do what my parents did to me--i.e. fuck with my head and make me feel unloved. That will NOT happen to my kid. Which is why I can't even think about cheating on my husband or being with someone else. Which just pisses me off, because I'm not used to being so restrictive sexually. I'm the one who uses sex as an outlet, as therapy, and here I am, not being able to turn to the one thing that actually makes things better.

And for a person who derives most of her self-worth from her appearance(that would be me), it is hugely distressing to venture out on the streets without seedy gentlemen raping me with their eyes or leering at me lasciviously. Now I get maam'd at grocery stores and people give up their seats for me on the subway. Sigh. I may never bring sexyback, as the kids say. So fucking depressing.