I tried to kill myself two days ago. I failed, obviously.
What's laughable is that I genuinely, sincerely tried this time. I didn't tell anyone about it, I certainly didn't blog about it, I didn't even hint to anyone so they could fortuitously come "save" me at the last minute.
This suicide shit is much, much harder than it looks or seems. I salute anyone who can do it successfully.
I don't really feel like going into the details(mostly because I hate being reminded that I failed even at this) but maybe I'll write about it in a few days...
I can't believe I managed to stay out of the psych ward at the ER. Those idiots were so stupid, they believed what happened to me was an accident. They should have strapped me into a straightjacket immediately upon first sight. Yay for another case of outsmarting the system, go me.
What finally made me do it was the despondency I felt on Friday. Just... this grave realization that my life was never going to get better, no matter how much I wanted it to. That I was never going to fall in love again, I was never going to have kids, start my career, have a real life. I was chasing after something that would never materialize.
I can't believe I'm just... out here, integrated amongst society when all I want to do is strap a bomb on my chest and detonate.
But at least I still have my freedom.
That's something, at least.
Something
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Posted by C at 8:04 PM
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2 comments:
just want to drop a note saying that i find you quite brilliant but obviously troubled in the extreme over what seems to me pretty vapid shit. sometimes these things work themselves out when you get a touch older... in the meantime, i'd say looking for some counseling is not that bad an idea. actually, it would be a courageous move. yeah, most counselors suck, but on the offhand chance you find someone you can trust, the result can make it worthwhile. but for you, trusting or being loyal to anyone is nearly impossible. nearly; and as long as you're here it's the thing you ought to search for though. whatever, you can rip this little advice column here to shreds a four different ways and maybe i shouldn't even sent it, but please know that i've grown somewhat fond of the version of you that i spy lurking behind the wall of noise.
just wanted to by and say i have no biz giving you advice or what have you about your issues. i suppose the fact of your attempt is just upsetting to the segment of your readership to which i belong. i wish you the best..
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