Depraved

You know it's been a long time since you've blogged when...

you forget your login and your password to Blogger.

Ah, my apologies for my absence. But so much of my life seems inconsequential-- most of my days are spent like this: work, dinner, sex with husband, sleep-- that I feel silly writing about it. Who wants to read about how stable someone's life is? I've craved stability my entire life, and once I've obtained it, I daresay it's... boring. I can't type that without feeling guilty as shit, seeing how hard my husband tries to make me happy.

It's a strange relationship we have, the husband and I. For the first time in my life, someone loves me unconditionally. It's like, I can fuck shit up and scream in his face until he cries, but he still loves me and says he wants to be with me. I don't think I love him in the same way.

When I married him, I was on the cusp of turning thirty, jobless, had dropped out of grad school, without prospects. Here was a man who was pedigreed and brilliant, and he wanted to marry me. I knew that he loved me more than I loved him, and I thought that was what I needed. So we got married at the Harvardd Faculty Club, me in a Amsale wedding dress and he in a silk Armani suit, and we said we'd take care of each other forever. Oh, yeah, I was also pregnant at the time.

I know I sometimes come off as being a liberal bitch, but my southern upbringing and the religious fanaticism of my parents have burned into my head: "Baby out of wedlock= shame shame shame." I found out I was pregnant 3 days after he proposed to me and I had said yes. When I accepted, it was kind of a wait and see situation-- maybe drag the engagement out a couple of years until I met someone better. Then the "+" sign on the First Response really got things rolling and we were married in a month. A few days after the wedding, I had a miscarriage. That's just how my luck rolls.

I've always been drawn to the quintessential bad boy, someone who gambles too much and drinks to excess and wrecks too many European cars. My husband? His interests are videogames and Magic the gathering. Jesus, talk about geek chic without the chic. And of course, he had the perfect childhood with loving, adoring parents, so he has no sexual repression, which means, yes, he is boring in bed.

I like some anger with my sex. I want it all-- the hair pulling, the spanking, the dirty talking. With him, dirty talking is him tidmidly asking me, "Will you kiss me down there?" Ugh, give me a break. Where's the perversion, dude? I brought up the idea of group sex, only to have him tell me that it would break his heart to share me with anyone. What kind of a guy says that? A guy who loves his wife, I guess.

But then again, it's probably just me. I'm the one who can't be happy, even when I have it all.