This is a pro-ana blog, obviously

What a week.

I've been working like a dog all week, about 12 hours a day, and getting 6 hours of sleep a night and getting up every morning at 6am to work out. Friday night, I went to bed at 4 am and woke up 2 hours later, worked out, and then came back to bed. I'm so OCD about it but is it bad if I'm actually a little proud of my neurotic exercising tendencies? Nothing is ever in moderation with me, of course.

I'm also contemplating applying to medical school. I toyed with the idea back when I was in college, and for a long time, I wanted nothing more than to be a doctor. Somehow I let people tell me how stupid it was(with HMOs, managed care, etcetc, it's MUCH better to go do something else, they said) and I sort of forgot about it for a while. But now, I think I might want to go to med school. I've dated various doctors over the years, and always I've pored over their med school texts because it was so fascinating to me. So I'm exploring my options.

I still haven't fucked anyone, male or female or electronic. It's so weird-- I was having these awful withdrawal symptoms for the first week, I thought it would be a miracle if I made it past day 10. Now sex is an afterthought, like something I used to do because I was weak and stupid and fucking people was the quickest way that I could think of to make things a little better. And I think my productivity has increased about threefold-- I am seriously all about getting my shit done now. I don't procrastinate anymore.

I haven't had a drink in a while either. Those things that come with the territory of sex-- booze, drugs, low self-esteem-- well, I've been avoiding all of that. I feel better about my life than I have in almost a decade. It's really quite the turnaround.

What I was before this experiment, a rigid caricature of myself. I don't ever want to go back there.

Weather is warming up a little, so I'm back to running outdoors again. Yesterday I was near Newberry and I heard a guy say to the girl he was with, "She's TOO skinny. I'm so glad you're not like that." Obviously a sycophantic remark by a chubby chaser meant to placate his chubby lady friend, but I seriously got such a kick out of that. I've also been playing this sicko silent game where I count how many girls I see who are thinner than I am. Usually it's 1 or 2, but if it creeps past that, I skip dinner and go to bed hungry.

I realize how antiseptic my life has become. Completely ascetic, unyielding, judgmental. I really have become a frigid bitch! At least before, I was putting out, so no one could accuse me of being frigid. Now I'm arctic, totally relentless.