fuck.

I'm broke. I don't know how I'm going to pay next month's rent. I've maxed out 3 credit cards, and I applied for 1 more today, but I was DENIED. Big surprise.

Luckily, my roommate is a doughy, dateless dude who will probably accept 1 lay in exchange for the rent. He actually owns the condo we occupy, so my rent($500 a month) is really just peanuts to him. He basically told me in not so many words that I got the room because of my looks. The funny thing is, when I came to see the place, I was dressed in tattered jeans and a torn shirt, looking grubby and gross and spent, AND I also came w/my fuckbuddy(the 3 some dude). How he would immediately assess that I was hot, when I looked like that, is beyond me. But whatev. Many of a dire situation of mine has been saved by some desperate asshole. He's just one in a string of losers I find useful at times like this.

I really fucking hate being poor. I grew up poor. I thought I would be somewhere else by now. I can't believe I am 28 years old and barely getting by on a nominal stipend, not being able to buy basic toiletries and foregoing items most people would consider a necessity(e.g. hair conditioner). I don't have enough money to buy soap, so I've been washing myself with dishwashing liquid from the kitchen sink. Now I have dry patches all over my skin, my hair is falling out, and I nearly wept as I getting ready for bed. Seriously, it sucks. Why didn't I just fucking go to law school? I would have been rich by now. Fuckfuckfuck!

I don't mind going hungry. Hunger is good discipline. But when I don't have enough money to buy new shoes, and I have to wait for my friends to tire of their clothes so I can wear their castaways-- it just becomes ridiculous. What did I do to deserve this shit of a life, I have no idea.

When I was w/Ben, I was living like a queen and didn't have to worry about anything. And that's been my MO-- find a rich guy, move in, and let him take care of me. But even that game is getting old, and I really am wondering when and how I became such a loser in life.

FYI, my groinal/vaginal/thigh area is entirely chafed and red. Palmolive dishwashing liquid is not meant to be used in lieu of body wash.

I hope this rash thing goes away. I need it to go away.

So Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck, in all sense of the word. Ugh.

I wish I knew the seedy, enterprising individuals on that high-priced escort service Spitzer was busted for. Seriously, that would solve all of my problems right now. And I bet my racket could be, "Harvard grad student by day, sexy whore at night!" But men who frequent such services probably ARE around women affiliated w/Harvard. They're probably working w/them or married to them. They probably want to be around stupid bitches who think Obama is who we're looking for in Iraq. Fine, I can wing the bimbo bit, too. I'm good at that. Just fucking give me money! I need money.

Whoever said money doesn't solve anything is wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong a 1000 times. My life has been happiest when I'm surrounded by money or someone with access to money.

Every platitude ever uttered by mankind is wrong: money does buy happiness, the best things in life aren't free, and hard work does not fucking get you anywhere. Just single and broke at 28, that's where it takes you.