babiesbabiesbabies

God, I really curse this instinct of mine to propogate the species. I can't get babies off my mind. I want to have kids, goddamnit. Ideally, I'd like them now so I won't be a gross old 40 something betch who will be shunned by other moms at PTA meetings.

But then there's this other side of me that is all about whoring and stripping and letting weird guys suck on my tits for $400. Even I can recognize that side cannot exist if I am to be a good mother. I mean, realistically speaking, I have so many mental issues that to have children would be cruel. Mark was right about this, and that's why I got so angry about it. Because it was the truth and there was not much I could do about it.

Of course, let me reiterate the sad state of my life, in which I have:

no money

no boyfriend

no real career that will allow me to make money

I mean, yes, I'm fucking around w/the idea of med school, but do I really want to go through 6+ years of more education? I don't want to be a professional student for the rest of my life.

And let's recap the various men who have proposed to me over the years:

1)Steve(this does not count as a FORMAL proposal, because he was still technically and nontechnically married to someone else when he asked me). Besides, I don't think he sees me as the mother of his future children-- just as a hot chick w/serious head problems who is always wearing a shirt that says "I <3 3somes" because that's the only time I ever hear from him(when he wants 3somes).

2)Ben. Ah, Ben. He of the one that got away. Perfect on paper, but he and I would fight all.the.time. Even on the night of our engagement, we got into a fight and I made him sleep on the couch after he we had anal sex. All those stereotypes about Jewish men proved to be entirely too true. Oh, and his mother fucking hated my guts.

3)Matt. Matt proposed to me after we casually dated for 2 weeks. He was obsessed w/me. At first, I lapped up the attention, because it has been such a long time since I had an official stalker. He proposed to me and I thought about accepting it because I was sad and desperate, but I actually ended up trying to shoot my brains out a few weeks later. It's all about timing.

Argh. Why can't I be an oozing plasmoid that doesn't have to worry about propogating the progeny?? Seriously, I am getting desperate, and the desperation is mounting to a point where I won't soon be able to mask it in public. I'll repel and scare away men from a mile away.

Seriously. I'm thinking about having a one night stand w/a Hvd Law or Hvd Med student and renting my uterus out for the next 9 months. I want to be a mom, damnit.