Disgusting on all levels

My life lately has been a string of one crappy event after another, I just haven't felt like writing about it. Not that I've only written about happy stuff before, but the last few days have been so awful.

I'll try to recap, though. I saw Stephen, the former love of my life. He took the train from NY to see me, and it was a complete disaster. I didn't know what I was expecting-- him to want me, I guess? Yes, that is what I wanted. We've been exchanging smutty pictures of ourselves all week, and then he shows up on my doorstep, whisks me away to dinner, and tells me he has a girlfriend. "Would you be ok with it, though? If we just hooked up while I was here?" he said, so boldly. I died a little inside. Had I meant that little to him? He chepened our 7 year relationship with a single sentence.

I didn't say anything, and told him I had to go to the bathroom. I calmly walked to the back, washed my face, turned off my phone, and walked out of the restaurant with my head held high and averting everyone's gaze. I have not opened his emails or texts or voicemails. I want him to no longer exist for me.

I should be able to get over this. I've had a lot of practice because he's disappointed me so many times before. But this time, he obliterated any hope I had of us getting back together. Ever.

I thought to myself, I don't have a reason to live anymore. Then I got pissed off for feeling that way, tried to replace that feeling with something else equally sinister but more palatable, and engaged in some self-punishment--i.e. I had sex with men who were gross. And I didn't even get paid for it.

I'm seriously thinking about charging for this. It's like sitting on an oil well. Only I'm letting people drill it for free. I won't look like this forever, either. Maybe I could be a choosy hooker, like only do it with guys who aren't gross. Is there such a thing? But then again, I can't stand the sex/degradation combo. It nearly made me vomit every time I had to go to work when I was a stripper-in-training. It also made me want to kill myself even more. Do I dare open that can of shittiness again?

And my aptmate is incredibly annoying. He leers at me, and I caught him taking pictures of me when I was making breakfast this morning as I was puttering around the kitchen. I had just gotten up and I was wearing a wife beater w/no bra, so clearly, my nips were showing. And he took a picture of me like that! He said he was trying to capture "art" but what he really wanted to do is probably go in his room and beat off to them, that asshole. He then offered to pay me to pose for him, because he is a "serious photographer." Oh, barf, barf, barf.

Time for a shower and Project Runway.