Inside

OMG, I hate my mom. I know I've said it a thousand times, but the day she dies will be the day I finally get some peace. I can't do anything after I talk to her on the phone because she makes me so tired yet I feel like clawing someone's eyes out. I rage, but my body feels so heavy and sluggish.

I wonder if she didn't breastfeed me as a baby. How is it possible that a daughter can hate its own mother so much? Seriously, is it my brain chemistry that's fucked up, or did she do something to warrant this? I know she fucked me up from age 6 until 17, but what about before that, where my memory doesn't have any tape? I have to believe that a 6 year old kid doesn't wake up one morning and decides to hate her mother.

With my psychotic, impulsive tendencies, it is a testament to my ability to summon superhuman restraint that I haven't physically harmed her. Seriously, I hate her that much. It's carnal, really.

Whatever it is, it makes me hate myself even more. I don't like hating her. I strongly believe in karma, and I don't want my own daughter to hate me, too. Since my brother died, I've made a sincere effort to tolerate my mother more, but I have gone beyond my limit. I can't do it any longer.

God, I feel like looking up the combination of drugs Heath Ledger took and promptly mixing my meds like I shouldn't be. I can't escape from this dungeon of despair. I feel like I'll be here forever.