Truth at first light

Well, I think my fuckbuddy has transitioned into the maybe-boyfriend territory. He helped me move all my shit, in this dismal weather. I'm not sure Ben would have done the same.

It was kind of weird because I wanted to leave after we were done last night, around 1 am. He literally begged me to stay, saying, "Please? I never get to spend the night with you!" Uh... well, I didn't really feel like trekking all the way to Cambridge anyhow, so I did spend the night. I kept having these terrifying dreams where my brother was telling me to make peace with myself and his life. It was so vivid and sad, I woke up heartbroken and crying. I went out into the living room for a while, and Fuckbuddy came out from the bedroom all concerned, and he made me hot chocolate and we listened to Mazzy Star together. He didn't want me to listen to sad music when I was so sad, but I insisted. It was the best 4 am experience I've had in quite a while. I was also oddly touched that he didn't get annoyed with me for waking him up. Ben would have screamed at me for me to get back into bed.

I woke up around 9 am and he was making breakfast-- eggs Benedict, rye toast. He's the total gourmand and he bakes his own bread and makes his own yogurt and stuff(made me think he was gay at first), but everything was so delicious and he didn't even get grossed out while I was hurling massive proportions of food into my mouth.

Then he asked me what I was going to do today, and I said "looking for apartments." He offered to help, and help he did: his friend actually has an empty room right across from campus! For $500 a month, that's a steal. Then he was like, "Ok, let's get your stuff moved!" So cool that he took care of everything.

And again, my psychotic tendency to question people's motives is coming afloat. Why is he being so nice to me? The sex was good, but it wasn't that good. I don't know. Maybe he's desperate and he wants me to be his girlfriend. He disgusts me slightly. I have a weird aversion to people being nice to me.

My new apt isn't that bad... just really spartan. This was my third move of the year, and we're only two months into 2008. I really don't want to move anymore. It's gotten so bad that I threw away so much of my crap, I barely have anything to my name. But people will usually call me when they want to give away their clothes or books, so I'll have more stuff soon.

There's a weird guy on Darwin Dating that says he knows me and he wants to see me "again." I don't recognize his picture and he creeps me out totally, because he knows I'm a grad student at Harvard and everything. How does he know? Anyway, I tried to cancel my profile on that thing, but for some reason, it's not letting me and it's still showing up(much like OKcupid). This may be a sign for me to hang up my internet dating hat for good.

I'm so tired, but I don't want to sleep, because I don't want to dream about my brother again. Great. Even being dead, he has to find some way to make me miserable and uncomfortable. Or maybe I'm doing this to myself. That would be not at all surprising.