Dead end

I wish Ben would have some degree of consistency. I hate that when we get along, we are almost the same person. But when we fight, I want to die. He makes me feel like a scumbag loser who can't do anything right, as if I will never find anyone else better or even remotely on his level. Which is laughable, because since we broke up and got back together, I have been w/ 7 men(+ 2 women), and he has been with... uh, Edwina. I won.

I try to talk to him honestly about my feelings about this relationship, but somewhere along the line, it becomes a matter of one-upping him, of who can tolerate this insanity for the longest time and come out unscathed. I have this stupidly competitive streak and it manifests itself in the strangest places. Or am I just using that as an excuse? Doesn't matter, because this relationship w/Ben is toxic.

I'm getting older. I want to get married before I turn 30. That's less than two years from now. Why am I wasting my time w/Ben, someone I know I don't want to be the father of my kids. It's one thing to fuck up my life but I refuse to fuck up my offspring's. This vicious cycle of misery ends w/me. I will not propagate it onto future generations.

This is crass, but one of the main reasons I find myself going back to him is because of his money. Ben comes from an uber-rich family, on a level with private planes, a half dozen vacation homes, and maids and security detail. He doesn't lead a glamorous life because he considers himself an intelectual, but he has incredible access to so many resources and a lot of connected people. I hate myself for being drawn to him for materialistic reasons.

I could probably get him to marry me. We'd stay miserable for a few years, and I'd come out with a handsome alimony settlement, maybe. Well, probably not, because he would probably make me sign a prenup, but those things are written to be overturned, haha. But seriously, I could probably marry him and stay on this happy/suicidal cycle for a few years, and end up better than I started.

Because let's face it; I'm not going to make shit as a professor. Maybe I could if my degree was in the sciences, but liberal arts professors are barely making enough to get by, clothe and feed themselves. And I want more than that. I want to live comfortably, w.o. worrying about returning a $500 dress after I wear it w/the tags still attached. I want to look good, live well, and lead an enviable life. In the end, my parents were right: I am wasting my time getting this stupid PhD, even if it is at Hvd.

So what can I do, that will enable me to support myself liberally, to be respected, to be admired, to be happy? Too old/short to be a model. Can't sing, so rock star is out of the question. Can't draw, so artist is out. I should have gone into finance, because hedge funds--that's where it's at. But I'm too inexperienced and business/accounting/finance shit bores me. So my next option is finding someone who's in hedge funds, someone who wants an overeducated trophy wife.

God, this is depressing. I have no idea where my life is heading. I feel like I have no options, and I keep thinking about suicide again. I promised myself I wouldn't after my brother died, but I can't help it. I think I just want to die.