OMFG. How could I have been so stupid? I cannot believe I turned down that residence in the colony. Everyone in my dept has been telling me how incredible it would look on my CV even after I graduate. One guy was like, "You must have something amazing lined up to turn that down."
Well, I don't.
The reason I turned it down was because they wanted me. That quote by Groucho Marx rings so true, about not wanting to be a member of any club that will accept me. My ego just took over(or was it my poor self-esteem? They go hand in hand) and I declined immediately. Not particularly graciously, I might add. (I screwed and fucked myself over on that one.) What the hell was I thinking? I have no idea.
Of course, I called them today and told them my "circumstances" have changed, but they already gave the spot to another writer. !!!! FUCK!!! I'm so pissed off at myself.
It's not enough to have a doctorate anymore. To get on the faculty tenure track, you have to have a seriously padded CV. I do not want to end up teaching at a JC somewhere in the middle of Mississippi, but that is where I might end up. Worst nightmare. Then I'll just be another schmuck with a liberal arts doctorate bound for obscurity. Oh God.
Crap. I have to stop dicking around with boys so much and concentrate more on school. Mediocrity will be my punishment if I don't stop.
Oh fuckfuckfuckfuck. Fuck.
Monday, January 7, 2008
Posted by C at 9:38 PM
Labels: i suck, i'm stupid, oh fuck, this sucks
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2 comments:
Calm yourself! No need to get into a tizzy.
First of all, if one colony was impressed with you enough to accept you, I bet you a thousand bucks that another one will. Apply broadly and widely(even though some of them are admittedly more prestigious than others). I don't know what colony you're talking about(MacDowell maybe?) but I'm sure you can get another acceptance if you apply.
It might not be a bad idea to concentrate on school though. Obscurity? I doubt it, considering your degree will be from Hahhhvaaaaad(I don't think they grant liberal arts degrees at MIT).
Thank you, Madeline. I appreciate the advice(and I'm not even being sarcastic here).
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