turning point

Well, I'm probably about 20 yrs too late, but the unthinkable happened-- I got myself a shrink. A real good one. He's one of the heads of psychiatry at Stfd, and I really like him. He doesn't dispense bumper-sticker advice but gives it to me straight, which is exactly what I need right now. I need someone to be blunt and somber with me.

He thinks I may be bipolar or manic, but the diagnosis is still pending. I'll have to take some more tests next week.

He said something to me that was practically earth-shattering:

"You realize that the way you're conducting your life is completely at odds with how others conduct their lives? You're deliberately hurting yourself so you can feel relatively better when someone else rescues you. But this the high feels so high because the low is so low."

me: "Why are my lows so low, then?"

him: "Ask yourself. You're the one who's doing the sinking."

The highs are high because the lows are low. How true.

Then I asked him if he was going to make me go home and do something stupid, like list 10 things I like about myself.

"Who do I look like, Dr Phil? The last thing I'll do is waste your time. Your case is much more serious."

I laughed and I respected him after he said that. I think this might be a turning point for me.

Also, I have a huge crush on him. And as you know, that is my euphemism for "I want to fuck his brains out."