I really cherish these morning hours that I have to myself, when Ben is at his office and I am alone in the whole house to do whatever I want. You have no idea how draining it is to have someone in your face at all hours.

I carved the time out alone because living w/Ben, I don't get a chance to even take a shit alone, ever(yeah, he insists on using the Master bathroom even though there are three over the house). He didn't have an office until yesterday, so every.single.day. we would be together from the time we awoke to the time we'd sleep. It was kind of a nightmare.

I imagine this is what marriage is-- tolerable imprisonment. Only it's not so tolerable in my case.

I get up at 3 am to go for a run, and I come back around 4, exhausted and sweaty. I get in bed without taking a shower(partly to keep Ben off of me, partly because I'm tired) and I sleep until about 8 am, when I know he's gone. Then I have about seven hours to do whatever I want, with whomever I want.

I have an appt w/my psychiatrist on Thurs. I told Ben what he said, about me being possibly bipolar, and he was like, "Is that hereditary?" I think he was concerned I would pass it on to our unborn child, who exists in his mind(but not in mine!). It's kind of sad, the way he's going about planning our future, when I'm not even sure if I want to live w/him, let alone breed w/him!

Oh, and did I tell you about having to CONVERT? Yes, I have to become Jewish to get married in his home synagogue. It takes a long time and he told me I should get started now. I don't mind the studying, so I guess I don't mind becoming Jewish. That part doesn't bother me. But Ben? I don't know.

Part of the reason I'm so lukewarm about this is because I have to see Stephen soon. Stephen was the one love of my life, for whom I essentially turned my life upside down. I quit my job in NY to be w/him, to go to BALTIMORE, of all places, and that didn't pan out, obviously. He tried to commit me to a hospital because I was suicidal(but I forgave him for that! Bygones!) and I was hell-bent on destroying his life for a while, but he's somehow back and I want to see if I still feel the same ardor that fucked me over so many times before. He's based in NY but he makes a lot of business trips to LA and SF, and he said he would fly out here this week to see me.

Ok, time for me to hit the gym. I can't get flabby. Also, I'm getting new glasses today.