West coast update

Quick update although all of our stuff is still in boxes and we are eating from used paper plates(ran out this morning as we ate leftover pizza).

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, fucking LOOOOOOVE CA! I can't believe it didn't occur to me to come live here sooner. Weather? Love it. Beautiful(ok, well, more attractive than Boston, at least)people? Love it. Food? Love it. I have been eating In N Out burgers for the past two days and I'm still not sick of it! And I used exclamation marks, so you know I mean it.

The thing w/Ben, on the other hand, may fall apart soon. Every time I forget why we broke up(he's an incorrigible asshole, and when he gets cranky, he is a mean and bossy asshole, incorrigibly), he reminds me. He didn't want me to get a job here because he doesn't want me to "go out all the time." As in, he doesn't want me to meet new people! Uh, controlling much? And I still can't get used to the time change, so I end up wanting to go for a run at 2 am, and he literally screams at me: "GET BACK IN BED!" We are subletting from a Stanfd professor and it comes furnished, but the bed is inexplicably uncomfortable and I can't seem to stay asleep.

So I've decided I'm going to find my own place here. Thanks to Ben, I am in CA, otherwise I would have never left Boston... but I cannot stand living w/him. Last night, we were hate-fucking and he took it too far. He started getting v. personal, calling me "trash" and all sorts of things that are completely off-limits, even during the midst of hate-sex. Call me a bitch, a whore, whatever, but don't get fucking personal! I made him get off me and I went out for a run at 3 am, even though Ben freaked out and said it wasn't safe for me to go out alone. Well, if I got kidnapped and away from him for a while, that would actually be an improvement.

Ben and I just aren't compatible. Why? Because we have too much pride(his may actually exceed mine) and are stubborn as hell. He is constantly on my case, and when we're not fighting or screaming or fucking, there's only complete boredom enveloping us. As in, we can't just shut up and do couple-y things, as disgusting as they are. It's like, we both hate each other so much that we can't stand it, but we don't want anyone else to have us either. I can't explain why I just don't fucking end it once and for all w/him. I keep thinking maybe something will change. What a laughable delusion I had going there.

But the hate-fucking is pretty hot. I realized that's what makes our sex life so good. I've never hated someone more while they mounted me. It's sick, the way I let someone I detest fuck and use me, but there goes my low self-esteem again, working its magic!

I'm glad I'm here, though. I may never go back to Boston.